When God Closes a Door...

Yesterday was awful. It was a beautiful day, they let us out of work early, but unfortunately those things didn't take away the horrible disappointment of the news I received in the afternoon.

Let's just say, it was career related, I put my all into this thing and I was was so confident it would come out in my favor. Instead, I was completely taken by surprise. I'm sorry to be vague. I was really counting on this change.

I tried to optimistically tell myself it must be a sign. It didn't help my mood at all. I'm just so unhappy doing what I'm doing right now. It's so incredibly mind-numbing that I could actually take up some form of banging my head against the cubical wall if they weren't so unstable and soft. This other opportunity came up just as I was starting to think I could never do this for the rest of my life. This other job would have been so perfect for me--would have restarted my inspiration and perhaps interest me in this industry again.

But I guess it wasn't meant to be...and honestly, it's a little crazy to me. I was perfect for it.

I have to stop it. I just deleted a couple of paragraphs of more self-deprecating whining. It's not worth it. Today is a new day. Yesterday is over and I have to move on. "You can't always get what you want," the Rolling Stones said.

So, aside from the other shitty happenings of the day (DMV time-wasting-money-spending uselessness, difference in principal beliefs with the husband and overall discomfort with anything and everything around me in those moments), it at least ended on a good note. Tom put up with my overall bratty attitude and made me help him make rice crispy treats. Yes, it lifted my mood. Then we watched Brothers and I cried some more. **Note: that is one HEAVY movie. Don't watch for something uplifting. nope.**

I want to go back to what I said earlier about signs. Several years ago, I was a classical vocalist and I was good. Unfortunately, it was a situation where my father had pressured me into it all because everyone else was, and he saw big lights an venues for me like everyone else, but I was a kid and all I wanted to do was ride horses. It was a constant battle with him between those two things. One day my trainer announced we were training for the Olympics and he never let me go back. He blamed it on the money. I never forgave him for that. Perhaps I took a little of that anger out on my music career.

I was accepted to a prestigious private liberal arts college and decided to pursue psychology until I made up my mind. I joined the chorus and for some reason was coaxed into switching to a music major completely. I transferred to another school, a general university with an incredible music school, and went full steam ahead. If I couldn't make my passion for horses a career then I'd pursue music to the max. I was a good singer and had enough pull to get in and make a name for myself. I spend a semester and a half studying music and the day came for auditions to be formally accepted for the curriculum.

I. Didn't. Get. In.

I was completely shattered. Just thinking about it now makes me sick to my stomach. I got the same feeling yesterday and I told myself the same thing both times: I must be meant to do something else. Everything happens for a reason.

I'm not sure if that's more of a coping mechanism or my actual soul consoling me, but it certainly came to fruition last time. Since music was out of the picture, I was forced to look to my other talents. I discovered I was a very talented writer and photographer so I absorbed myself in anything I could to tell a story with photographs. I loved it. I love it. That's not what I'm doing right now, but it is what led me here.

So, I've learned something from both of these events. I hate a lot of what I'm doing right now, and I HATE to lose. So there's that. It finally came out...and it makes so much sense...especially with my work with Eclipse and what our trainer observed in us. Eclipse hates to lose too, and isn't it funny we're together?

I confessed to Tom the other night I was looking at listings for horse trainers and instructors seeking apprentices and students. He nodded and said it sounded pretty perfect for me...like if he started looking for a sound engineer needing an assistant to learn all they know--it would be exactly perfect for him. I was half joking when I told him, but he said he would fully support anything I decide to do as long as it makes me happy. The problem? It would most certainly take me somewhere else for a year minimum.

I'm enjoying the work I'm doing with Eclipse and I'm learning so much. It makes me want to know more, but knowledge is money most times, and I have to have some kind of job to pay for that, right? It's this horrible cycle I can't remove myself from...or at least, I don't know how...yet.

Anyway. It's a decently nice day today. It rained this morning and I stayed in bed with my cuddly pit bull for far too long and I couldn't continue to the barn without relieving my heart of these feelings.

Well, so that door closed. Where's the window?