Making the Right Decision

I struggle with myself over that question daily. It doesn't matter what it is, I will second guess myself even when I am more than 100% certain it's the right thing to do in whatever situation. Right now, I'm really battling over my work life and play life.

I spent a large portion of my college years pouring every ounce of my soul into my studies in order to learn enough to really compete with everyone else for the specific job I hold today in New York City. Most of my graduating class went on to work for newspapers or small local magazines or journals in the state, but I never had any of that in my plans. I wanted to go straight to the top, and somehow, I did it.

You know that old saying, "I got to the top and I didn't like the view,"? Yeah. I find myself saying that lately and it bothers me a little. Though, I'm not exactly at the top, I'm certainly close enough to realize it aint all what it's cracked up to be. So, yes, that's what prompted that last post and I won't bore you with more talks like that.

Most times I struggle more between my love of horses and my art. I love telling stories in my photographs, but there is nothing equal to the joy I feel when riding or just being around horses...or all animals really. Sometimes it's not all that I was hoping for. Eclipse really has his issues, and I'm learning how to deal with them, but I don't have any experience in this type of thing, so it's going slow. I never had this trouble with Iron Man and I really took him for granted in a lot of ways. He couldn't jump and he couldn't run like the wind but he never said no to anything I asked from him. He really loved me and loved what we did together and I'm not sure I fully appreciated that until he was gone and I found out what hard work another horse could be.

I wonder if I made the right choice in selling him. I wonder if I made the right choice in Eclipse--is he right for me? My current trainer is very encouraging, but she's certainly made it a point to say he's not an easy horse and certainly wouldn't be right for most riders. That's a pretty awesome compliment in itself, but it also encourages that tiny whisper of a question in me, "Did I make the right decision?"

I'm too damn stubborn to turn my back on him. I'm not the type to throw my hands in the air and say I give. Just because I can't quite figure him out now doesn't mean it will never happen...it's just going to take time, right? I am not a quitter and to give up on Eclipse because he's too much of a challenge would feel more shameful to me than anything. Am I wrong in feeling this way? I get mixed thoughts from other horsemen, but they all think I'm crazy for having an Arab in the first place (especially if they've ridden with me).

And the same thing happened with my camera this year. My original camera from Tennessee was stolen on Christmas day a couple of years ago so I bought a replacement a few months after and it was the best of the best. I paid way too much money for it, but it was worth every penny. But what happened? It sat on my shelf. I only took it out for small events and a couple of jobs here and there. I certainly wasn't putting it to the use it deserved. First off, I was paranoid something would happen to it--get stolen, drop it, lose it, etc. But honestly, work sucked away so much of my time and energy that when I was finally out of the office the LAST thing I wanted to do was hop around the city snapping photos.

Long story short, I took the camera out last fall for a friend's birthday photo scavenger hunt and I dropped it. It was a neck-strap malfunction (meaning I wasn't wearing it correctly) and it simply slipped out of my hands. I couldn't find anything wrong with the camera itself, but the lens was busted and the camera was as good as worthless in my eyes. I sold it and put the money toward the construction for our new loft. I didn't put the money back into a new camera and now I'm currently camera-less. It makes me feel like I have one less hand or foot. I just don't feel right...like when you can't get in a comfortable position in bed and you toss and turn all night.

So, I've got money going into the horse and not into a new camera. I am spending 8 hours a day agonizing over the absolute boredom of my job and how I wish I wasn't having to watch my life pass before my eyes wishing there was something else I could do about it. Can't I find a way to make money doing the things I love most? Most of my day is spend conspiring on how to break out into equine photography and follow in Tim Flach's footsteps but I sorta need a job to sorta get the camera and then maybe I'll sorta get some jobs...sorta. Yeah. I'm in NYC where a photographer is a dime-a-dozen. What am I even thinking having a horse?

And that's when the real abuse starts. I tear into myself about having a horse and allowing myself to have such a luxury like that when I'm barely making ends meet without the damn thing. If I didn't have the horse, I could have my camera and my weekends would be spent taking pictures, right? Wrong. My weekends would consist of longing for my horse again and feeling just as awful as I do right now without my camera. Why can't you have both? you ask? Well, because of money. and school loans. and bills. and metro cards. and my two hour commute to and from work each day. and my job. The list goes on. I need equal time for both, and the only way to make that happen it to quit my job, but that doesn't tell my bills to stop asking me to pay them. Nope.

So the easy solution would be to find a way to make the photography PAY. Yeah. I'm thinking about that.  I hear weddings are a lucrative business, and you don't even have to be any good. Ok, that was harsh. Sorry.

I don't know what the solution is here, but the job is seriously driving me crazy. There has to be something. For now, Eclipse makes everything go away. Like I said...reset button.

So where's the shutter release? That's next on the list.