Thursday, March 25, 2010

Trading One for Another

We came here because of work and love. Work was what I hoped to find and love was already established. Tom created a foundation here for his passions--it's more than 70% why we're here.

My reasons for NYC are diminishing day after monotonous day. I try to force feed work into my diet of self fulfillment but after emotional vomit day in and day out, I just can't rationalize it anymore. How do people do this? Where does the corporate ladder really go? For me, it leads to a very thick, possibly impenetrable, glass ceiling. I wish my art could take me higher, but I have to jump into a dark abyss of uncertainty for an indiscernible amount of time. The costs of living here will not allow me to take that chance, so I have to find other ways to fill in the holes I feel need the most nourishment. I need a horse.

One night, not long after our move, Tom and I took a random stroll out to Little Italy for some dessert. He didn't want anything, but I insisted we get a bottle of wine to share and enjoy the evening. I downed a second glass and introduced an idea. I was feeling pretty claustrophobic (who could blame me?) and upon reflecting on my regret for not studying abroad and decided OUT is where I want to be.

I want to travel the world. Ok, who doesn't... he says. No, no. You don't understand. I want to travel the world on the back of a horse.

What ensued was a very lively discussion on how one could theoretically ride through any area one could backpack. A few of my friends had done it and I have heard countless stories of "couch surfing"...why couldn't I do it on a horse? No one's saying it can't be done.

That conversation started innocent enough, but quickly turned into an obsession. I ran to the bookstore after work to sit for hours pouring over walking maps of various different countries, hours upon hours were spent searching the internet at work finding stories of people who had accomplished what I could only dream and before I knew it I was searching for a horse.

To my husband my ambition probably doubled as recklessness. He was fine thinking of it as a very lofty goal that may or may not ever happen, but I'm not sure he expected I would take it as far as I have. I want it. Need it--with or without him. I started making plans...charts...journal entries...starting discussions on message boards...but those things were harmless enough.

The real threat happened when I took time off work to fly down to Tennessee and collect my car. It was a three day weekend and I bought the first flight ticket I could...one way. In order to have a horse to train and ride long distances, I would need a car in order to drive to wherever I decided to keep him. After a few hours of research I found that what I wasn't having to pay in rent each month I could turn around and spend on board for a horse...whether I leased or owned.

What happened to my career goals? Wasn't I supposed to become this power-driven Manhattan woman bent on nothing by success? Why didn't I think of this when I sold Ironman? Did I have to make him a sacrifice? Those thoughts of being the next big WHATEVER came and went as fast as the fall...as pleasant as imaginable--invigorating--for a week or two, then painfully painfully gone...left with nothing but bare trees and cold wind whipping you senseless for even considering weather could be lovely. As I mentioned...I found out there isn't much of a future where I was headed. Even if I made it to the top, what would I really have? In my field of work...not much. Sure, a decent pay check...but what else? Who knows... Success doesn't always come without a career path diversion, but none of the branches out strike my fancy. Not yet anyway.

So what if I changed my mind? What if what I decided has nothing to do with living in New York City? What can I do?

But, I'm here as long as Tom needs to be here for his art. It's such a bitter thing for me to accept. I left the south, left the best friends I've ever made, left stability, left the one thing that meant more to me than most anything...my freedom. My freedom was on the back of that beautiful black horse, wind slashing my hair across my face, galloping to nowhere through a beautiful meadow speckled with wildflowers. I left it all, for love and what I thought I really wanted.

What do I want now? I want to be the girl I was back there...back where time didn't matter anymore...back where I was happy. I spent so many years wishing to be away from it and when I finally left I realized how so priceless it all was and how stupid and naive I was for taking it all for granted. But, God, I did it too because I wanted to show them all I was better than that dead-end little town! I traded one for another.

So, Eclipse, you are my second chance, my second horse, my second hope for freedom...for escape. Can we go along together? When? Can we now?....

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