Heels and Hooves

Today was one of those rare days that I really put on the I’m-a-big-girl-and-I-can-wear-heels-and-a-dress work. I even put on makeup this morning. I felt fancy. This really is a struggle for me most mornings when I really only wake up about 20 minutes before I must be out the door to get to work on time. I would be so much happier to wear my worn-in jeans, tee-shirt and chuck taylors for the rest of my days. Ok. I like skirts too...with the chucks of course.

I realized, however, on my walk to work this morning why exactly I do avoid wearing heels like the plague. I was feeling hot to trot and full of that professional Manhattan woman mojo until I remembered (or was reminded, rather) that I have grace of a baby giraffe. Mind you, I’m wearing 4 inch heals which is no where near the height maintained by some of my office counterparts, but for me, I might as well be walking on stilts--stilts with balloons underneath.

Here’s a clearer picture. There is no doorway I’ve passed through that hasn’t had its integrity checked by my shoulder or knee. That being said, these instances usually occur in sneakers. Now. Imagine this scenario with unnatural height under my heels, ultimately compromising my already shaky foundation of balance. Knowing that my feminine grace is something tragic I made sure to hold the hand rails down to and up from the subway. I carefully watched where I was going so I would not stumble on an uneven crack in the pavement and I carried my head high like a woman with a purpose--that is, until I reached the corner of Broadway and 54th street and my ankle buckled under me. 

I did the not-quite-a-swan-dive-recovery and was able to walk away without too many questioning glances and strode into work with my eyes lowered a tad. No one saw. I'm still in the green! I can do this! 

The day progressed with little else to report aside from the disbelieving double-glances from the more fashion-inclined of my coworkers. I think they were all waiting to hear me trip over my own feet and single-handedly destroy the office in my crashing wake but I defied them! I can't blame their skepticism. I can't hardly walk straight in sneakers let along high-healed platform pumps. I think I may have made them proud (until I return to work tomorrow in faded blue jeans and black chucks).

Unfortunately, I got a little head-strong with my new-found confidence and wiped-out on my way to my favorite lunch spot. It is embarrassing to think about it, but I was able to save myself on a lamp post before my knees hit the ground. One poor gentleman took pity on me and asked if I was alright and if I needed help. I thanked him and strode away thinking of Eclipse as I wondered how on Earth women can force such torture on their bodies to feel attractive. if anything, high heals certainly have the opposite effect for me. They make me seem more gangly and less womanly than I was already and certainly less confident.

I thought of Eclipse because, for most of the time I've had him until recently, I was convinced (by many people who seem to have an authority on these types of issues) that he had a club foot. For those of you who aren't familiar with this term, it refers to the development of a horse's foot (or feet) and the angle of the coffin bone and joint in respect to the hoof wall, making the hoof grow in manner that makes performance difficult in the future in some cases. It basically looks like the horse's foot has too much height in the heel. This can cause lameness but in most mild cases it will typically just cause the horse to trip every now and then.

Then it dawned on me. I wear heals that my body was NOT designed to wear and I trip. Eclipse has a higher heal on his front left hoof than his body was designed to grow and he too trips. (of course he's just got the one, making him walk like I would if I were only wearing one shoe, but you get the point of the comparison) Our bodies are meant to flow and move in a certain way, you fashion designers, so stop making us think we need to wear these damn pedi-death-traps to be attractive and let us be beautiful in the ways we were naturally meant to be beautiful for.

Me being me, I wasn't fully convinced Eclipse's foot was a true club foot by the photos I had seen and the cases I had studied. I had worked with a farrier for a number of months, with only a trim every 8-9 weeks or so and after his foot seemed to be getting worse I came across this blog by Christina at Barefoot Hoof Care. I was intrigued by her posts and decided to ask her about Eclipse's issue. Luckily for us, she has clients in our area and came out for a consultation. She was able to affirm my suspicions that the foot in question was not a club foot at all and completely reversible with proper trimming techniques! 

In only three trims, she took my poor off-balance, tripping Arabian and returned him to a completely balanced, non tripping Arabian! His first trim was so rewarding in fact, that as she was taking of the first of the bars on his soles he immediately began licking and yawning in relief. She definitely made a believer out of me.

Since that first trim he's been so incredibly happy to move around! His "clubby" foot is almost completely at the angle it should be and I couldn't be happier my boy is feeling good enough to rip and roar around the arena at a full gallop completely confident he's not going to trip and fall to his knees. It's a very liberating feeling. 

I took a page from his book and tossed my heals back in the far regions of my shoe pile. 

Good riddance to bad balance!

Goals

Everyone should have goals. Whether the goal reaches long into the future or just sending a letter at the end of the week, I think it’s good to have something to work for.

I have more goals than I can count. In fact, many times, I set so many goals for myself I forget them. Tom and I decided a few days ago that we were going to put our dusty dry-erase board to good use for once. We are setting a list of things to accomplish in the next year and I’ve been thinking hard about it. You better believe writing at least three posts a week is on that list as well. I write every day but my posts end up staying in “draft” format. I finish them, but sometimes the post isn’t right for the day or how I’m feeling at the time.

I spoke with my mother-in-law about goals a few months ago. We both have a hard time getting in motion with our riding plans. We both get caught up in just trying to make things work and forget to enjoy ourselves. I still want to plan a horse camping trip with her within the next year...but life just gets in the way and before I know it 6 months have gone by and we are even farther away from accomplishing that little dream for ourselves.

So, this is to get my butt in gear. I’m going to outline some things right now that I want to accomplish with Eclipse and my other talents.

In the next year I will:
 - Develop a better relationship with my horse and be able to confidently ride without fear I’m doing something wrong
 - Take Eclipse to at least ONE show – no matter what the discipline
 - Get my camera back!
 - Get at least ONE paid photo gig in the city or Long Island
 - Load Eclipse in a trailer without having to call my trainer to do it for me
 - Go on at least ONE trail ride AWAY from the barn
 - prepare for an endurance ride in 2011 (I’m SERIOUS about this one!!!)

There’s a lot more...especially pertaining to my dog and home life and relationship with Tom, but I’ll spare you those. These goals are really the first step into getting to a larger goal I have for the future in respect to what it is...but if you don’t lay the foundation, where do you start?

Spooking

This is a little unlike me, but I’m working on some other posts that are going to take more time to write and I really want to focus on them before just throwing them up here because it’s been two days since I’ve posted. Therefore, I want to open up this post to a discussion.

Spooking.

My horse spooks. He’s not an all-out spook-and-bolt type, but he is way too cautious of things going outside the arena when we’re having a lesson. Heaven forbid we’re in a show and he bends his entire body away from the rail because some little kid blew a bubble at him or something. Really...his level of distraction has become something of an annoyance. Whenever he shows signs of shying from something (be it a sound, smell or a mean-looking stump on the ground) I kindly guide him back to the area, breathe deeply, talk to him, rub his withers, etc. But the 19th time he does it going past the same spot I start to get a little annoyed. We’re not going to have an hour to make sure a scary post isn’t so scary when we’re doing a dressage test or, heaven forbid, a jumping course.

Do any of you have this problem? If so, what did you do? What do you do? Is this just something that’s never going to go away? I want to compete in endurance races eventually with him, but if he never gets over this, how can I trust he won’t kill me out there in new terrain? There have to be other spooky Arabs doing endurance. Do I just have the crazy one?

Thoughts? Anyone?

**I just realized my father told me a story once about my mother. He said she had an Arabian named Spook. I just always thought she named him that because he was grey and looked like a ghost. lol That''ll teach me to assume. That connection is just too perfect.** 

Out Smarted by An Arab

So a few weeks ago I posted about how great the ground work training was going with Eclipse. Today that all officially ended. He's got my number and he's not really impressed anymore. I'm kinda stuck with my hands in the air. What now?

It started a few days ago when Eclipse stopped meeting me at the gate when I came to the barn. I thought it was odd, but I waited and eventually he came over. Forget it, it's not happened in a week now and I'm starting to wonder what I've done wrong. I haven't changed anything in a negative way. I haven't been doing the same thing over and over...I really just don't know what happened.

Today I tried free-lunging him in his paddock to see if he would eventually come in to me, but nope, didn't happen. In fact, he gave me even more attitude than normal and really came close to running me over a few times. He's really glued to the other horses over the fence and definitely goes to them to rescue him. I eventually let him rest and he took a step and put the halter on him.

We worked to the left and right at a walk and a trot. He yielded his hindquarters and when I asked him to go back to the right he refused. And not just refused, he fought. He pulled and reared and reared and pulled. I had no idea what was going on. I asked him to come in and he resisted, but eventually came have way in, then I asked again and he refused again. I eventually walked him around by hand and reassured him the best I could. I asked him to walk left and he went, but when I asked for the right again he refused.

I asked him to zig zag and same thing each time...not to the right. I played friendly games with him and the stick to let him know the stick was not threatening him. I never even touch him with the stick, but none of it made a difference. I ended up just walking him around the arena a few times by hand and releasing him back to the paddock.

A few girls were at the barn at this point, and of course everyone has their way of doing things. I don't mind advice, but when it's unclear whether the person is offering advice or criticism that's when I start to bristle a little bit. I know the person meant well, but it didn't come across very well. I'm using the methods my trainer gave me...it's not supposed to serve the same purpose as lunging and I'm sure you think I look like I have no idea what I'm doing, but really I do have an idea and it was working just fine.

I'm just frustrated. I rode him for an hour and a half and he seemed a little more relaxed than usual. He's still not bending or giving to the bit when we increase the pace to a trot. He cuts in his circles still. My trainer and I have been working on this for some time, and nothing seems to work. I open the reins and he collapses his shoulder and cuts in, I then lift the rein to pick him up and he cuts the circle again. He softens in a small, tight circle, but opening it up is sloppy and stiff. I flex and bend and stretch him at a halt and a walk, but at the trot he's stiff as a board--even in two-point. He does loosen up at the canter, but he's so fast and out-of-control--it's like he's over bending.

I guess I'm looking for some advice, but I just have to be more patient. I don't want to lose my spirits, but I just don't know what he wants. Sometimes I think he enjoys being with me, but right now I feel like he's being a spoiled 10-year-old kid throwing a temper tantrum so he can get dessert for dinner instead of his vegetables.

I'm not looking forward to that reality either in the future, but maybe he's preparing me for that.

Alright. Tomorrow's another day. We'll get there.

Gathering Rain

I had a flashback to high school today on my walk home form the subway station. It started with the soft spring rain and flooded in like the warm breeze.

I'm probably not shocking anyone here when I say I had a hard time growing up--mostly all of us have. I was an only child being raised by my father and grandfather. My mom died when I was only a baby and my father had a hard time being ok after that, and so have I. My grandfather was amazing. He gave up so much so I could try to have a normal life. He really did.

I was told once that acceptance equals control and I'm working on that. Acceptance sounds like such an easy concept but it's really one of those beautiful boxes with a special key that no one makes anymore. It looks so nice on the outside and you're certain it's just as lovely on the inside but you get so frustrated trying to open it at eventual you give up. I keep returning to it and try again, but that patience issue always gets me. Still working at it.

Back to story time. I was, like so many little girls, a tad horse-obsessed. I was saving up all my nickles and dimes to OWN my own horse. Until I had enough money, I came up with an imaginary horse. Her name was Desert and she was my best friend. Every night I hosted plays for my grandfather while my dad was cooking dinner. I would, without fail, ride in on Desert and perform a drama for him the likes of which have never been seen! He always laughed, smiled and applauded appropriately.

I decided one day that Desert needed a friend. His name was Dessert and they soon had a foal named Hot Chocolate. I thought I was pretty clever. I would ride one of my "horses" into the living room from the kitchen each night and first make my grandfather guess which one it was and promptly correct him when he got it wrong. "Poppy! Can't you see? Desert doesn't look anything like Hot Chocolate! Hot Chocolate is a Appaloosa with a spotted blanket, not a Paint!" I think Dessert was his favorite. He always loved Paints (we argued about the difference between a Paint and Pinto almost daily. I love it).

These theatrics lasted through my freshman year of high school until he was diagnosed with cancer and soon thereafter passed away. He was a man of few words, but he always supported my love of horses and my creativity. I remember one summer he scraped some money together (from where, I'll never know) and sent me to an all-girls' horse camp in the mountains for two weeks. It was amazing and everything I needed. It funny how most people never get you what you really want, but he always knew.

When he died I shut down a little. My father had pulled me from riding lessons at this point and I really had no where to go with the feelings I had inside. I remember the one thing, however, that really made me feel good was the rain. I would walk outside, whether it was pouring or just sprinkling, and just let it take me over. My father thought I was crazy, but he didn't understand my love of horses either. It was always, "Your mother broke every bone in her body riding horses! Is that what you want?" Never, "Your mother loved horses just like you." I bet she loved the rain, too.

I remember I had a Collective Soul album, self titled, that I listened to over and over again. I loved Collective Soul period, but there was this one song...and it's lyrics are probably tattooed under my skin somewhere. The chorus is as follows:

She gathers rain
to rinse away all her guilt and pain
she gathers rain
to wash and cleanse and make her whole again

When I first heard it I think I cried. I couldn't believe someone could write something so uniquely fitted for what I was feeling. I secretly hoped it was written for me. It was about change and overcoming hardships and, honestly, what all songs are about...getting over some life-altering challenge. But I took that song so seriously. I thought of it whenever I was sad--just like the horses, just like the rain, just like the smile on Poppy's face when I announced my dinner theatre each night.

I don't walk out into the rain anymore, but I still love it. It annoys me when I can't ride Eclipse because of it, but I can't ever say I hate it. I needed the rain tonight to remind me of how important it was to me for a few years back there in that house, with my father and my changes. Now, riding in the rain is  pretty fantastic...but not tonight. Today, rain, I'm going to let you have the night. Enjoy it.

A Moment of Weakness

I feel like a smoker trying to quit cold turkey when I don't want to quit at all (I know, quit it with the metaphors and analogies). I've been a neurotic mess this week without Eclipse and tonight was the first night since Sunday I've been able to see him.

I'm pretty sure he's a xanax wrapped in muscle, organs, fur and love. Any doubts I ever have about having him wash away the moment we're together. Maybe he's actually a magic pony and I didn't know it until now.

Thank you, Eclipse, for being my shoulder tonight and really listening to me. I'm sorry I doubted my ability to be with him. He is my priority, and I'm going to do everything in my power to make our relationship last forever and be rewarding for us both.

Happier posts from now on! Yay!

Making the Right Decision

I struggle with myself over that question daily. It doesn't matter what it is, I will second guess myself even when I am more than 100% certain it's the right thing to do in whatever situation. Right now, I'm really battling over my work life and play life.

I spent a large portion of my college years pouring every ounce of my soul into my studies in order to learn enough to really compete with everyone else for the specific job I hold today in New York City. Most of my graduating class went on to work for newspapers or small local magazines or journals in the state, but I never had any of that in my plans. I wanted to go straight to the top, and somehow, I did it.

You know that old saying, "I got to the top and I didn't like the view,"? Yeah. I find myself saying that lately and it bothers me a little. Though, I'm not exactly at the top, I'm certainly close enough to realize it aint all what it's cracked up to be. So, yes, that's what prompted that last post and I won't bore you with more talks like that.

Most times I struggle more between my love of horses and my art. I love telling stories in my photographs, but there is nothing equal to the joy I feel when riding or just being around horses...or all animals really. Sometimes it's not all that I was hoping for. Eclipse really has his issues, and I'm learning how to deal with them, but I don't have any experience in this type of thing, so it's going slow. I never had this trouble with Iron Man and I really took him for granted in a lot of ways. He couldn't jump and he couldn't run like the wind but he never said no to anything I asked from him. He really loved me and loved what we did together and I'm not sure I fully appreciated that until he was gone and I found out what hard work another horse could be.

I wonder if I made the right choice in selling him. I wonder if I made the right choice in Eclipse--is he right for me? My current trainer is very encouraging, but she's certainly made it a point to say he's not an easy horse and certainly wouldn't be right for most riders. That's a pretty awesome compliment in itself, but it also encourages that tiny whisper of a question in me, "Did I make the right decision?"

I'm too damn stubborn to turn my back on him. I'm not the type to throw my hands in the air and say I give. Just because I can't quite figure him out now doesn't mean it will never happen...it's just going to take time, right? I am not a quitter and to give up on Eclipse because he's too much of a challenge would feel more shameful to me than anything. Am I wrong in feeling this way? I get mixed thoughts from other horsemen, but they all think I'm crazy for having an Arab in the first place (especially if they've ridden with me).

And the same thing happened with my camera this year. My original camera from Tennessee was stolen on Christmas day a couple of years ago so I bought a replacement a few months after and it was the best of the best. I paid way too much money for it, but it was worth every penny. But what happened? It sat on my shelf. I only took it out for small events and a couple of jobs here and there. I certainly wasn't putting it to the use it deserved. First off, I was paranoid something would happen to it--get stolen, drop it, lose it, etc. But honestly, work sucked away so much of my time and energy that when I was finally out of the office the LAST thing I wanted to do was hop around the city snapping photos.

Long story short, I took the camera out last fall for a friend's birthday photo scavenger hunt and I dropped it. It was a neck-strap malfunction (meaning I wasn't wearing it correctly) and it simply slipped out of my hands. I couldn't find anything wrong with the camera itself, but the lens was busted and the camera was as good as worthless in my eyes. I sold it and put the money toward the construction for our new loft. I didn't put the money back into a new camera and now I'm currently camera-less. It makes me feel like I have one less hand or foot. I just don't feel right...like when you can't get in a comfortable position in bed and you toss and turn all night.

So, I've got money going into the horse and not into a new camera. I am spending 8 hours a day agonizing over the absolute boredom of my job and how I wish I wasn't having to watch my life pass before my eyes wishing there was something else I could do about it. Can't I find a way to make money doing the things I love most? Most of my day is spend conspiring on how to break out into equine photography and follow in Tim Flach's footsteps but I sorta need a job to sorta get the camera and then maybe I'll sorta get some jobs...sorta. Yeah. I'm in NYC where a photographer is a dime-a-dozen. What am I even thinking having a horse?

And that's when the real abuse starts. I tear into myself about having a horse and allowing myself to have such a luxury like that when I'm barely making ends meet without the damn thing. If I didn't have the horse, I could have my camera and my weekends would be spent taking pictures, right? Wrong. My weekends would consist of longing for my horse again and feeling just as awful as I do right now without my camera. Why can't you have both? you ask? Well, because of money. and school loans. and bills. and metro cards. and my two hour commute to and from work each day. and my job. The list goes on. I need equal time for both, and the only way to make that happen it to quit my job, but that doesn't tell my bills to stop asking me to pay them. Nope.

So the easy solution would be to find a way to make the photography PAY. Yeah. I'm thinking about that.  I hear weddings are a lucrative business, and you don't even have to be any good. Ok, that was harsh. Sorry.

I don't know what the solution is here, but the job is seriously driving me crazy. There has to be something. For now, Eclipse makes everything go away. Like I said...reset button.

So where's the shutter release? That's next on the list.